I had no emotional energy for Kaitlyn's need to vent her feelings. We had not missed a treatment in all of this but I had reached the end (yet again). I wondered why I ever thought I could do this. I was ready (for the 100th time since leaving the house Oct 4th) to give up. Chris knew exactly what I was saying. This is the advantage of 26 years of marriage with 0ne of them filled with horrific challenges. You just know what the other is saying and feeling. He didn't try to fix it. He just empathized. I hung up the phone and felt a bit less of a burden. And then I determined in my heart to tell myself the truth. Here were the lies racing around my head:
1. You're a failure as a mother.
2. You should never have tried this.
3. You can't do this in Colorado or Arizona. You just can't do it.
4. The kids will never get better anyway.
It helped to put words to the lies. What can I tell myself that is true?
1. You accomplished alot in one week.
2. You're in Arizona to help them. This is not forever, it's a season.
3.You're doing the best you can.
4. You're allowed to make mistakes.
5. Today was a bad day. I can learn something that will help tommorrow.
I went to sleep last night thinking more about what's true than what's not. When I woke up I did all the treatments for myself before they woke up. (I learned this from yesterday).
I decided to stop feeling sorry for them and all of their losses and be a bit tougher. I decided to let this be hard.
And after the breakfast regimen which went much better today I opened an e-mail from Chris. He had thought alot about our situation. I know how torn he must feel as he tries to handle all of the logistics with his work situation, help our daughter move, help another daughter deal with the upheaval of it all, etc. etc.He decided he didn't need to fix it at all. Instead he reminded me that one day I'll be at a bookstore by myself sipping soy (since I gave up coffee with this healing process). He reminded me that one day "these dear ones will fly and we'll be left with each other and our mold issues."He reminded me that a month or two in Arizona will help them. And he told me that without a doubt I can do this. It was everything I needed to hear. And I'm grateful.