Reality Tears

By mold recovery 3/10/2010 , 9 comments
It's hard to wake up.

I went for my first session of brain rehab last week. Treatment with a psychologist who knows and understands toxic injury to the brain. He's seen hundreds of patients like me, which I find comforting.

Before discussing the memory issue, we talked about the overwhelming sadness that has kept me company these last couple of months.

"I've been improving physically, but I've found myself declining emotionally," I said.

His response was simple. "You woke up."

"The brain literally comes back to life after a trauma. You suddenly become aware of what has happened to you. You connect with reality."

It's a harsh reality. The loss of our home. Our friends. Our health. Our dreams for our kids. Our life as we once knew it.

And then the loss of my precious mother.

I've had trouble functioning at times. Not only because of sickness, but also because of grief.

Last night I sat up with one of my older daughters as she wept over her reality. The loss of her adolescence. Her beloved journals and books. Her love of learning. Her dreams for her future.

The pain, at times, is unbearable as a mother.

"I think this must mean I'm getting better," she cried.

She knows. Every tear that climbs out of its cage moves her closer to a recovered life.

I love these simple, yet profound words of William Cowper, "Grief is itself a medicine."

9 comments :

  1. MelindaMarch 10, 2010 at 2:38 PM

    oh dearest Andrea.....how hard this must be. I cannot imagine dealing with your own grief and reality but then the children too. I dealt with depression for two years because of trying to understand issues I grew up with. It was a journey I had to go through...took an anti-depressant for a year...saw a Christian therapist for two. I am praying for you...for the time to process what you must be thinking about, for the strength to assist your children with what they bring to you and I pray His love and grace to enfold you as you travel through this. You are a blessing to others...and the knowledge you share is amazing about the mold issues. Thank you again for being vulnerable with us....in Christ, Melinda

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  2. TonyaMarch 10, 2010 at 8:05 PM

    once again I can so relate to this whole post. NO wonder I cry at the drop of a hat. It is so hard all. the. time.

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  3. JenMarch 11, 2010 at 1:26 PM

    Thank you for your strength. We look up to you and yours. I'm sorry about the future you lost, but so grateful to be a part of the present you're living.

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  4. amanda ncMarch 11, 2010 at 6:22 PM

    "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." jeremiah 29:11

    I have a plate in my kitchen with this verse, and it carried me through the worst years of our ordeal. We are on the other side of it all now, with all of us in the family finally functional (even our autistic boy--now recovered) and we are cleaning up the last health issues as we are able. I would not wish this on anyone, but I would not trade the lessons the Lord has taught me through it all for anything. America will soon be waking up to the importance of indoor air quality--and the damage that mold and toxins can do--and you will have already walked the road and will be able to be a guiding light for all who will be coming along the road later on. And I have no doubt there will be many.

    Keep your chin up! God is good!

    Amanda

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  5. AnonymousMarch 12, 2010 at 5:52 AM

    Thanks Andrea for shining the light of truth on mycotoxins, treatments, ills, processes, trials and recovery. The isolation has been one of the worst aspects for me. Your blog has connected me to more than needed information but to a community of survivors; those going through it, and hope from the other side. I lost my house 3 1/2 yrs. ago to toxic mold, have moved 3 times, walked through the death of 2 uncles and my dad within an 18 month period, and have just begun detox through a diet change. The sickness has brought depression, grief and anger, all of which have begun to lift. Walking through the "betrayal barrier" with the Lord might have been my low point. And yes, He continues to tell me of His love. period. No easy button. No escape hatch. Just His love... and that's all I need; maybe I just didn't get that before.
    Eagerly long for the "other side" of this season but will embrace Love no matter where He takes me, and most of this journey, He's had to carry me.
    kt

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  6. MaribethMarch 14, 2010 at 5:27 AM

    Amanda, could you please tell us more about how your Autistic son recovered? johnmaribeth@yahoo.com is my email. I am so excited to hear about this - it makes so much sense to me. I believe that toxic molds and toxins contribute to Autism, but have never talked with anyone who personally experienced recovery from toxin removal yet. We are becoming more familiar with the special needs community in our area. I'm sure that your story and information could help many people everywhere. And Andrea, THANK YOU for sharing your heart with us. Maribeth

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  7. MaribethMarch 14, 2010 at 5:48 AM

    I have experienced some memory issues and frequent angry/irritable mood swings for years. I also was exposed to toxic mold for many years and some pesticides for a few years. Now my home is as mold-free as possible. After I am exposed to mold elsewhere, I notice the angry feelings and memory issues flare up a little while later. I did not realize they may be related until recently. Certainly not all mood or memory issues are related to toxin exposure. Yet I feel that among mold survivors this may be more common than people realize. If anyone reading this blog is experiencing this, I want you to know that you are not alone. Be more gentle with yourself and do not harshly condemn yourself for these symptoms. Realize that there is help - the first step being getting away from the toxins. I think it's good to share these struggles - it may help someone else. Maribeth

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  8. JulieApril 21, 2010 at 9:11 AM

    I completely understand how you feel. Last weekend I went through all of our contaminated things in our garage, and it was quite emotional for me. There were things that I have had since I was a baby that I had to throw in a trash box. Everything that has that notorious smell to me is contaminated, and my pregnant nose doesn't miss a thing :) I homeschool, and have lost so much of our curriculum to the mycotoxins that now reside in the books. I am tearing up just thinking about it. Deep down, I know this is God's way of forcing me to simplify my life and declutter, but I have to constantly remind myself of that because it is so hard to let go of so many memories. But what a lesson to let go of all the material possessions in life and be thankful for the blessings of family and the great outdoors.

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  9. mold recoveryApril 21, 2010 at 10:19 AM

    We're preparing to foreclose this week. It's so nice to read this reminder, Julie.

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